Imagine a healing modality that encourages your choices. One that conceptualizes healing as a lifelong, repetitive process rather than a journey from point A to point B. I have recently realized that my healing path up until this point has, necessarily, been centered on the removal of shame from my body and psyche. Shame and judgement are the most insidious ways of preventing healing that I see, from fat-phobia in doctors offices to sinning and repentance in modern Christianity. How can we heal if our very simple, initial urges and desires are vilified? So much of my work has been about allowing myself to simply be without constantly pre-judging every desire and choice that I have and make?
It is hard work to recondition yourself against your trauma and upbringing. It means giving up so many aspects of yourself that you used to consider an identity- from the way you look to the job you have to the relationships you maintain- but it also means you get to be your actual self, one that has always been free from the moors of society and which has always been with you.
As I said, it’s a slow, cumbersome process of literally re-teaching yourself how to *be*
You will slowly gain the strength in your authenticity that you need to shift your place of being from that of reflex, fear and societal conditioning to that of mindfulness, authenticity, and the ability to discern what you actually want to do, say and be.
It’s true that healing is a restless and uncomfortable thing to take on. It is not all ponies and rainbows (although there are definitely a good amount of ponies and rainbows). It is often frustrating. I can’t recall the number of times I’ve needed to give up on a certain goal of mine- such as getting strong enough to confront certain traumas, change certain habits or changing certain relationships- simply because it was not safe for me to go that fast that quickly.
That’s why it’s so important to learn your tools. You will find the ones that feel right in your hands, and probably set down a lot of tools that you’ve picked up. It’s never going to be perfect, but it will get better.
Even from my own place of healing, though I am still very much tormented by the anxieties, triggers and habits that I set on this path to destroy, I have a sense of purpose now that I never have really had access to because of so many years of shame and conditioning. An authentic, exact and functional sense of purpose. I have the tools to draw certain experiences, people and resources into my life. It is not easy. You don’t suddenly become an enlightened being one day who is free from pain; I always say, if you’ve healed everything you need to heal, then why would you still be down here in a body?
But it feels fucking good. The small things. The permission you start to give yourself for the way you just are. The experiences you allow yourself to have. And the authenticity, the knowledge- the deep, inner, clear-as-a-bell knowledge- that you are doing it right. You are doing a good job. That’s what makes it easier.